Procrastination

Spending a weekend doing an examination isn't the most thrilling way of living life. It is almost mind-numbingly boring, hence we present the mind's own way of escape - fantasy. Surfed the airasia website. Planning to "rough it out" and travel to some exotic place without the convenience and glamour of Singapore Airlines. Imagine, lugging baggage all the way to Lavender MRT, taking a bus to Larkin Terminal, bearing the Malaysian heat to get to Senai (which is spanking new by the way, not all things Malaysian are crap), then take a cheap flight $59 to Bangkok or Penang or somewhere more exotic. Preferbly with my dear in tow, of cos.

Back to reality, the return ticket costs almost twice that amount, I have reservist and recall in June, orientation nonsense in July, and a paper to hand in on Monday morning. I wonder why I'm not contemplating hara kiri as of now.

Happiness

Perhaps there is a price to be paid for everything, or "opportunity loss" as the economists would call it.
It was by far the most passionate week in recent memory, yet the shadows of obligations linger. I knew the moment i agreed, that this will be a life changing decision, that sacrifices had to be made.

I just wish it wasn't this painful.

Zen

Times like these, sitting beside the clementi fountain downing iced tea, the indescribable peace that finally being left alone is beyond words. Totally alone, breathing, seeing, tasting, thinking, feeling, the experience of the senses. It is this enjoyment of isolation that i crave, far from the madding crowd, that have left me convinced that i could probably survive transplantation to anywhere in the world. London, Manchester, Perth, Sydney, Prague, Tokyo, wherever. Perhaps i will miss my char kway teow, but the inherent wanderlust and the inclination towards my internal self would probably sooth the "losses".

Come to think of it, i haven't had char kway teow in quite awhile anyway....

Delusion

I tell myself tomorrow this would all be over and things will start to get better, shutting my eyes and hearing from the immenent avalanche that would soon engulf me with bitter freezing cold. I twiddle my thumbs and hum a tune..dum dee dum dumm.....

Memory

Lingering on in the recesses of the mind, triggered off by a scent, a sight, or an object, it dwells hidden until necessity dictates its use. Like today.

Met my secondary school Geog/form teacher on the train. I was surprised he remembered me. He said teachers usually remember either the really obedient, hardworking students, or the out and out hellraisers. I did not dare ask to which category i belonged, most likely the third: "Teacher's pet turned delinquent" (due to peer pressure, raging rebelliousness and whatsnot).

We chatted all the way, and was surprised to find out that he quitted teaching to explore his calling. He's now a pastor in training at the Singapore Theological College. Which brings me back to point. Do i see myself cramped in a stuffy office working on Memos and Appellant Briefs? The answer is a clear, succint NO. However, the alternative is so much bleaker, and not to say less monetarily rewarding. I'm not mercenary, i just want to lead a comfortable life, hopefully seeing the world before i die. I have no talent, no professional training, with only "my best" to offer the world. Sadly, as William Hung so enlighteningly exemplified, it is just not enough.

Sacrifices and change

I decided to give up studying Japanese.
That involved a huge amount of pain, like my poverbial pound of flesh that was taken away from me. It was due to choice, choice of necessity, as learning putting consistent effort to learn a third language falls into the sphere of "wants", while doing well in school was in the venn diagram category of "needs".

2 years.
From the aimless army days where toting a vocabulary list and memorising standard japanese greetings gave light to a otherwise bleak existence. Nowadays, its the weight tied around my ankle. There were so many regrets, I felt as if i had let down Satoo sensei when he recommended me for the Advanced course ahead of schedule, because he thought i could do it. However, i found myself floundering due to the lack of time to even have a meaningful life.

i had to. i just have to give it up. I now no longer have something unique that i can call my own, i'm just now another law student. The perils of ordinariness has prevailed due to the insistence of necessity. Sad.

i breathe again

Law school drains me. It devours time like nothing can. Just spent the whole weekend miserably typing my appellent's memorandum. And i'm just staying afloat doing the compulsory stuff (tutorials do not fall within that ambit)

This week's the brief interlude before the Criminal Law 40% test, Jurisprudence paper and Memo rewrite, and I'm lapping it up. In law school, you live for the moment, because you never know how long they last before something shity gets plowed over you. Slept for 14 hours on Tuesday (then slept some more), spent quality time with family, trish, and friends that ive neglected, went swimming, reopened this journal, Saw a movie every day of the week, Cold Mountain, Last life in the universe, Lost in Translation. All love movies, or implied, subtle love stories. "Under love's effortless insistence, everything must change"

And change it does.