Choices

慢慢离去

Spending Fri, Sat, Sun at Aaron's dad's wake, I wasn't even sure what i could do, pour peanuts for the relatives or..? So i just sat there quietly with min, and seeing Ah lee so busy taking care of all the visitors it dawned on me that it would be my turn soon, and memories of the past just kept flooding back

I don't know what I'm doing

Birthdays I forgot: Suresh's, Joseph's, Weiming's, Mingzhou's: all great friends that have pulled me up when i was adrift as I often am, and i was not there, and I did not remember, I just didn't. I don't know what is happening, disjointment. I have not seen Weiming and Mingzhou this sem, Joe told me that he was expecting at least an SMS from me, and Weiming just called me "mei liang xin" on his blog. I think things came to a head when Marc over MSN said in his usual sarcarstic tone that it would be great if i could come down and join them more often.

Friends are paramount to an only child

Tiring. To be a good son (and getting non stop flak for not being good enough, nort freaking good enough compared to whoever.. why am i even TRYING?), to be financially independent (have to work so that I would not suffer when they decide as and when to cut my allowance, have to work so i can get basic stuff for self), to deny myself daily and to take up this cross (church commitments can engulf your whole life, and and yet, a worship leader is needed, i am working, i can't do it, am i not committed enough? I do not have peers, i did not grow up there, I don't believe in TRYING to make friends, it should come naturally, but even if i wanted to... do i even have the time to invest in discipling?), to be a good student (am not studying, should be studying, i can't go on like this, i wont be qualified to practice), to be a good friend ( Good Friend: where were you when I needed you? Me: ..... ) To be a good bf (huh?!)


Yea, why can't some people realise that I'm not less of a friend even though I CANNOT join movies or other stuff, maybe they don't see out of their pretty kaleidoscope that others have to work to feed themselves, and that doesnt mean I would turn you away if you wanna pour out your troubles to me, and that classifying people as "peripheral friends" that don't water the plant of friendship.... you want your water? You don't realise there is a drought, do you EVEN CARE that there is a drought.


I can't keep this up, I can't. Yet, I can't leave this behind.

有如牧师所说：“人生是个考验，你做的每个选择会让你一步一步迈向目标。”
是吗？　现在有如　自我毁灭　的感觉。

ぜんぜん疲れた